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The Least Stolen Car in the Universe Ever May 15, 2009

For years, the "Most Stolen Car in America" title has been held by the ubiquitous, accessible, and readily parted-out 1996 Honda Civic. Its cousins, the 1991 Honda Accord and 1989 Toyota Camry, hold the #2 and #3 spots, respectively. The 1997 Ford F-150 is car thieves' domestic of choice, probably because of the truck's popularity and the steady of demand for stolen parts.

But what are the country's least stolen cars? I'm not so interested in brand new cars. The Buick Rainier, for example, is one of the least stolen 2008 models according to the Highway Loss Data Institute. But a take a look at the thing—you think anyone's going to shell out for a hot Rainier?

What about rigs like the 1990 Buick Lesabre? It makes several virtually inexplicable top-ten appearances in the National Insurance Crime Bureau's state-by-state list of stolen cars, including the 6th spot in Alabama, the 5th in Indiana, and 8th in Kansas. It must be an easy one to boost.

So what's the least stolen car in America? We're guessing none other than Motor Trend's 1983 Car of the Year, the Renault Alliance. The French should have stuck to exporting wine instead of this sour rig. A 1986 Consumer Reports piece (according to Wiki) gave the car low ratings in engine, clutch, driveline, engine cooling, cooling, suspension, exhaust system, automatic transmission, and manual transmission ("You stupeed Americans just don't know how to appreciate the car's je ne se qua!") Motor trend has since apologized for bestowing any sort of honor on the car.

Today, QuoteWizard is christening it the least stolen car in the universe ever. If you don't want your car stolen, buy a 1983 Renault Alliance.

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I just wrecked a NASA satellite worth $278 million—what does my insurance cover?February 25th, 2009

We've all been there. Dad comes home from his job at NASA with a brand new, shiny, Orbiting Carbon Observatory satellite—the luxury Taurus XL model—and leaves the keys on the counter. He heads to bed early, grumbling about the 4:55 a.m. launch the next morning. One little spin around the cosmos couldn't hurt, right?

But then, once you get behind the controls, you notice a few levers and controls that weren't on the last satellite you drove. Some odd looking dials, some colored switches. "Hey," you think, "It's probably just like the Dish Network satellites I used to joyride with my junior high buddies before Dad got promoted and the two of us moved to Vandenberg Air Force Base. My totally cherry Chevy Caprice out front has a touchy clutch and finicky gearbox—how tough could it be?" Drunk with the prospect of NASA-quality thrusters, you fire up the XL.

You can't wait to tell your friends how you were remotely steering a tricked-out satellite pulling 4 g's last night while they were sleeping in their beds like losers. Then a red light starts to blink "Fairing Failure" like the neon Bud Light sign in your garage, and your stomach begins to churn 'cause you don't even know what a fairing is and think that it sounds vaguely important. "Crap crap crap crap crap…" you say. Naturally, as the $278 million Taurus XL hurtles toward the Antarctic Ocean, you begin to wonder if the insurance on your Chevy extends to extra-terrestrial vehicles as well. And how you're going to explain this all to Dad.

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Another Blog Post
It May be a Search Engine Ad
Perhaps a HaikuJanuary 8th, 2009

Text ads fuel online insurance quote aggregators' revenue streams just like the coffee pots of the people who write them. And with the online insurance market as saturated as an overexposed Polaroid, text-ad composers have become maestros of their art. The fruits of their qwerty paintbrushes—rendered lovingly in binary ink—are perpetually etched effervescently over the perimeter of organic search results like the wares of so many art-school-dropouts hanging on café walls.

Consider the following Geico stanzas juxtaposed with a Basho classic:

The Spartan lines of both works appeal to certain inner desire in all of us: the first, an innate frugality; the second, an oft-hidden vulnerability. It illustrates the pithy nature of both forms. Truly, economy of speech is paramount to success in either structure.

The obvious progression of both forms is a synthesis, a concept I suggested to our Search Advertising department. Certainly some of Basho's more famous works could break the redundancy of search engine text ads, not to mention garner impressive click-through rates. I proffered these two gems:

Old Pond
A Frog Jumps.
The Sound of Water.
www.QuoteWizard.com

The Wind of Mt. Fuji
I've Brought On My Fan!
A Gift From Edo.
TheQuoteWizard.com/Auto

They've politely informed me that, while the concept of fresh, new approach to text ads is valid and necessary, the esoteric nature of ancient Japanese haikus doesn't optimize well for broad-match and long-tail search campaigns. Whatever that means.

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QuoteWizard Welcomes Our New Google OverlordsDecember 17th, 2008

After years of suspicion and old-fashioned closed-mindedness, we here at QuoteWizard have decided to welcome our new Google overlords with open arms as they guide us into the new millennium.

Why stop resisting? Well, for starters, they've pin-pointed our office with their Street View feature:

We've also come to accept them as our intellectual superiors now that they've given us the miracle of the five-dimensional motion chart:

We're not really sure what all the bubbles mean or why they move around so much, but we don't want to ask too many questions. You win this round, Google.

An article in The Wall Street Journal by Vishesh Kumar and Christopher Rhoads reported on Dec. 15th that Google was considering of abandoning its net neutrality stance. Will this unchecked aggression stand?

The statement was in regard to talks between Google and the cable and phone companies that handle the internet data stream. Historically, there has been a precedent set that all content—from the Fug Girls to The New York Times—should be treated equal. The talks were allegedly about the possibly of creating a streamlined portal for Google-specific content to travel through.

Google later denied the claim, but we're not taking any chances. In fact, we're sure that our new overlords at Google only wanted their own separate internet carpool lane in order to make our lives better with a brand new array of Google products and services (slightly augmented with inconspicuous text ads, naturally).

Now who wouldn't want that on their wall?

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"Khalad" is the new "Arrr!" December 3rd, 2008

"Gacmaha madaxa saara" is Somalian for "Hands up," a phrase any Middle Eastern shipping tycoon hates to hear. Like most risks in life, though, the risk of a Somali pirate attack can be mitigated.

If you have plans to travel through the Gulf of Arden anytime soon, you should probably purchase a Kidnapping and Ransom (K&R) package from an insurer like AIG. But that's more of a passive strategy—a K&R policy will only pay you back whatever ransom you have to pay. It's likely the Somali pirates will go free.

If you've got the money, you can use a proactive approach in assuring your safe passage from the Mouth of the Red Sea (Bab al-Mandeb or Gate of Tears) to the safety of waters past the horn of Africa. Blackwater, the private defense company that assists United States troops in Iraq and elsewhere, has dedicated a 183-foot ship, two helicopters, inflatable boats, and trained guards to an expanding client list of cargo transporters through the troubled waters.

K&R insurance—just another way that the QuoteWizard blog is keeping your best interests at home and abroad in mind.

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Silent Terrors: The Potential Dangers of HybridsNovember 26th, 2008 :: Guest Wizard Ryan McGavin

We see them everywhere. Smart, efficient, gas-saving automobiles are all over cities and suburban areas. With the economy in the toilet, a looming climate change and oil reserves dwindling, it's no wonder people feel compelled to purchase hybrid vehicles to be more "green," to save money, and to feel better about themselves overall.

It was once an angelic idea; these do-no-harm vehicles driving down the street were literally wearing halos. Today, the concept is failing due to poor, aggressive driving habits.

Have you ever felt a bit disgusted seeing someone screaming out of a hybrid with a coffee in one hand, a cigarette in the other, gripping the steering wheel and telling you to get out of the road? Okay, maybe that doesn't happen with any frequency outside of Los Angeles (and you would be a homeless person if you were on foot), but this morning as I was crossing the street, I was nearly run over by a silver Prius making a left hand turn at about 20 miles an hour. There was no apology. No "Peace brother, I was in a hurry to get to the REI Sale!"—nothing.

Not only is this intersection in the densest neighborhood of downtown Seattle, the ferocious object coming toward me was like a silent silver bullet. My life didn't flash in front of my eyes, but needless to say, I didn't hesitate to wave a few fingers, retort with a snarky comment, and think to myself, what is the world coming to?

Drivers are quickly forgetting that even though they are saving gas and absolving their own guilty conscious for being petrol wasters the last two decades, their hybrid cars are capable of being fatal monsters. Because Hybrids are often silent and move just as quickly as gasoline powered cars, owners need to approach driving with even more care. This way, you won't see my middle finger when you glance in your rear view mirror. Peace.

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Why I Love Stock Photography November 20th, 2008

Stock photography, for those who don't know, is a collection of literally millions of photos set-up, taken, and published by companies like Getty Images. And what's not to like? Everyone is smiling, everyone is beautiful, and it's never raining—unless you search for "raining," of course. I can't help but develop a dialogue for the models at the long, tedious photo shoots.

"Can I get out of the trunk now?"

"Not yet! Act like you're a happy family! Smiles people!"

"But I just met these people."

"Okay, now, everybody, pile into that tent. We need some shots for 'camping' and 'family vacation.'"

Stock photo sites have to anticipate the demand for a picture before it exists. Occasionally, their radar is a bit off.

No one is sure who purchased this particular gem, and no one is fessing up to searching for "young hip kid in a suit with skateboard." But, with a little Photoshop magic, you can see how useful images like this can be.

And then there's the sickeningly cute angle. Babies and puppies. Puppies with babies. Just to give you an idea of their ubiquity, a search for "puppy baby" returns 4,861 results. "Rain, sad people," a mere 250.

I'd like to move to Stock Photography Land. I think it's probably next to the Organic Valley I see advertised on the side of milk cartons. I'd be fit, handsome, rich, and successful. I'd have a diverse group of friends that were always glad to see me, and a gorgeous wife that always seemed to be around at sunset. We'd have a beautiful baby, an adorable puppy, and be on a perpetual daytrip to the beach. Something like this:

"Um, can you get that dog away from my face? I'm allergic."

"That dog is $100 an hour. You're going to have to suck it up, kid!"

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Hair insurance? Really? October 2nd, 2008

We're insuring hair now? Turns out, what we needed to be doing was insuring insurance companies like American International Group (AIG). The federal government had to prop up the company with an $85 billion dollar loan so that millions of Americans wouldn't see their shares in the company rendered worthless. But could Aussie's Hair Insurance product line have saved the day?

Let's take a look. Aussie's "Hair Insurance Leave-in Conditioner Spray" is perfect for "detangling." Maybe that's what AIG was using back in 1995 when they fired Maurice Greenberg, a man who allegedly entangled AIG in a web of shaky transactions that seemed aimed to make AIG look superficially good on paper.

Then there's the "Hair Insurance Shampoo," complete with "a policy to clean and protect—against damage." If only congress could lather, rinse, and repeat their way out of this economic turmoil. I suppose there's only so much Australian silk protein and ginseng can do.

Finally, Aussie offers "Hair Insurance Conditioner." For optimism's sake, let's replace every occurrence of the word "hair" in the product description with "giant, irresponsible corporations and their nefarious CEOs." Here is the result:

"Our protection from giant, irresponsible corporations and their nefarious CEOs-related accidents! This lightweight conditioner rinses clean and leaves giant, irresponsible corporations and their nefarious CEOs manageable."

The answer to the current crisis, it seems, is in loosely Australian-themed hair products. The "No Worries" Guarantee could have saved us all a lot of, uh, worries. As it is, we're going to have to leave-in that leave-in conditioner for a long, long time to detangle us from this fiscal-kerfuffle.

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Five Dollars a Gallon September, 20th 2008

Years ago, a friend of mine remarked, "If gas was five dollars a gallon like it is in Europe, it would be great for the environment because no one would want to drive anymore." I scoffed at the prospect and told him I was quite comfortable with gas as it was, under two dollars a gallon. He was enrolled at an environmental college and his brain was coddled with soy and wheatgrass as far as I was concerned. Now, gas costs $4.50 a gallon, and it's not going to fall much under that mark, well, ever. His prophecy of gas at five dollars a gallon will probably be realized in some areas between Memorial Day and Labor Day.

More and more, I'm starting to think he was right. I know, it's perverse—high gas prices kill everyday consumers by driving up the price of everything from soy milk to solenoids, and it's the working families that suffer the brunt of the spike. Suddenly, though, taking the bus to work is becoming more and more attractive. Carpooling is easily worth the hassle, and skipping superfluous trips to the store makes sense.

These measures have striking positive results; bussing or carpooling to work saves on gas, parking and insurance costs. Usually, insurance companies assume that your commute accounts for the majority of miles on your vehicle. If you can chop this figure in half or better, an insurance agent should be able to inflict a similar axing on your premiums. Because of this, the savings from driving less goes beyond not having to watch the numbers roll inexorably higher at the pump like the world's unluckiest slot machine.

Meanwhile, greenhouse emissions and their nasty little habit of altering the global climate (total party foul) are being curtailed. This is something that's no longer a fringe, environmentalist pursuit, but rather a concern to everyone. If you're anything like me, sitting in traffic is much more bearable when you can zone out, read a book or sip coffee instead of cursing and working the clutch and accelerator in an obscure, dissonant time signature. The fuzzy feeling nestled in my stomach from slimming down my carbon footprint is preferable to the depressing decline of my gas gauge, too.

And all it took for us to realize it was five-dollar gas.

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Million Dollar Legs September 15th, 2008

In the 20's, Ben Turpin, realizing his shtick as a comedian relied on his myopic blunders, insured his crossed eyes from un-crossing. This was the first of many policies sought to protect legs, vocal chords, noses, physiques, breasts, and hands. Some policies are pragmatic (musicians like Keith Richards and Liberace have insured their fingers), others are truly bizarre (cricket player Merv Hughes insured his mustache).

Historically, legs have been the most common celebrity-insurance item. The group includes Betty Grable, Brooke Shields, Tina Turner, Michael Flatley, Heidi Klum, et al. Oddly, Flatley's coverage is the most extensive at 25 million; Klum's legs, for a comparison, are valued at paltry $1.96 million.

So I thought I'd make a list of items that ought to be insured, and how much for:

Rush Limbaugh's lunacy – $45,000
Bill O'Reilly's temper – $12 million
Barack Obama's hope – $12 million
Donald Trump's comb-over – $2 million
Kanye West's ego – $600,000
P Diddy's pretentiousness – $300,000
John Daly's cheeseburger habit – $15,000

It's a jarring prospect: a reasonable Rush, a demure Diddy, a bony Daly and an unoptimistic Obama. Unfortunately, QuoteWizard is unable to offer leg, ego and comb-over insurance at this time, but we can same you money on more straightforward policies. Check with Lloyd's of London if you've got mustache that needs insuring—for everything else, QuoteWizard can help.

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Wedding InsuranceAugust 12th, 2008

With the bottom line for a wedding hovering somewhere around $15,000—$45,000, people are starting the see the most special day of their entire lives as something worth insuring. After all, if their most special day is canceled for some sort of unforeseen reason, it's nice to be able to recoup losses incurred from rescheduling to an even more special day. It's not just weddings that can be insured. Special occasions like bar mitzvahs and graduations can be covered as well.

Some companies will even insure cold feet, though only for the party that is actually financing the ceremony. Picture the father of the bride looking the groom up and down and saying, "I'm just going to go purchase an additional insurance rider for the, uh, cake. You just can't be too careful with the cake." If you want this coverage, though, be prepared to hunt around. Insurers, being the cynical curmudgeons they are, don't often see this as a profitable proposition.

The idea of insuring a celebration or ceremony might seem a bit excessive, but when the total cost is as much as a new car and the whole event can be ruined by something unexpected—and totally plausible—like an appendicitis or call to military service, spending an extra $200 – $1,000 for peace of mind is a reasonable expense. It doesn't necessarily have to be the bride, groom, or honoree that is stricken with illness in order for a claim to be filed. If a dress or tuxedo is ruined, if the minister or rabbi suddenly bails out, if the venue is closed or destroyed, or if the caterer or photographer doesn't show, the policy will cover last minute costs to remedy the situation. And don't think that hiring a last minute caterer to work a large wedding party won't be expensive.

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Insurance You Don't Need August 1st, 2008

I was with my friend when he purchased a universal remote from a big-box electronic store. "For $15, you can buy our extended warranty," said the clerk. The remote was only $25 to begin with, and it was already covered for 30 days by the manufacturer. Why on earth would he want to insure his universal remote?

The same thing happened with my first cell phone. I'd held off as long as possible before getting one. When I finally broke down, they saleswoman told me I ought to get insurance to protect my phone. "But you just gave me this phone for free," I said. "You called it 'the tank of cell phones' and said you drop yours all the time and it's always fine, so why would I want to insure it?" She went on to give me several ostensibly reasonable motives I might have for taking out a $50 insurance policy on a free phone, but I wasn't convinced.

I think the next time I go out for a nice meal I'll ask the server if I can pay 10% to insure my meal from fire, theft, acts of God, or clumsiness. I'm also considering insuring: my coffee from spilling, my sweaters from shrinking in the laundry, the next soufflè I bake from falling, and my flip-flops from blowing out.

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The Cheapest Rig July 17th, 2008

In a flurry of frugality, I decided to find the absolute cheapest car to insure. There are a number of factors that drive the cost of insurance down, and I intended to exploit these as much as possible.

It had to be a car no one would want to steal, a car I could leave in the roughest part of a city, unlocked, with the keys in the ignition, and have virtually no fear of a break-in. Crash test results were important, too. The car had to walk the line between safe for me and safe for whatever I happened to be running into. Large SUV's were out because of their penchant for rolling.

Ideally, the car had to be a domestically manufactured, four-cylinder station wagon or minivan. After some intense perusing, my candidates were:

'89 Chevy Celebrity	'91 Oldsmobile Silhouette
'84 Ford LTD	'90 Geo Tracker

I got in touch with an Esurance agent, one of the many reputable providers in the QuoteWizard pool. After telling him some basic personal information and the sort of policy I wanted, he quoted a six month rate for each of the vehicles.

With a bottom line price of $276, the '84 Ford LTD Wagon won out, eclipsing the luxurious excesses of the Silhouette's and Tracker's rates of $285 and $281, respectively. The Celebrity was a near second, but in the end, I believe it was the lavish aesthetic of the "Celebrity" moniker that, though only titular, drove the six month rate up a full $3 to $279.

Now my only challenge is to find someone willing to part with their '84 vintage Ford gem; then I'll be on the road to saving in style.

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No Fault Scams—A Veritable Ersatz EmpireJune 26th, 2008

If we'd all practice the altruistic capitalism Ayn Rand said we were wont to, things like this would never happen. Criminals found a cunning way to defraud New York's no-fault insurance system out of hundreds of thousands of dollars. It was as creative as it was contemptible, necessitating the aid of corrupt drivers, passengers, doctors, and unwitting accomplices.

The scheme was to recruit citizens to ride in a vehicle while an accident was either staged or caused. Some groups had a particular gift for luring cab drivers into crashes. After the "wreck," passengers were whisked away to medical clinics to get "treated" for injuries they didn't actually receive. Once the monetary threshold for legal action was met, large "pain and suffering" lawsuits followed. Plaintiffs were regularly awarded large settlements that were completely unwarranted. Many times, the "victims" were immigrants who were paid only a couple hundred dollars for their part in the grift, with the organizers at the top receiving the majority of the spoils.

The amount of preparation and recruiting these crime rings undertook suggests that, had they focused their energy on something other than making a mockery of the legal, medical, and insurance systems—perhaps even something beneficial to society—they would have found success there as well. As it stands, many of them are behind bars—forever a strain on taxpayers, it seems.

When no-fault systems began popping up in the 70's, they were championed as a way to cut down on insurance related litigation and ensure that everyone involved in an auto accident received prompt medical attention. It's ironic that, at least in the case of New York, they had the opposite effect. These crime rings were an anomaly, but some recent studies have suggested that no-fault systems actually ended up increasing premiums elsewhere. And with each frivolous lawsuit, Ms. Rand rolls petulantly in her grave.

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The Most Expensive DUI June 23rd, 2008

On a cold Alaska night in 1989, Joseph Hazelwood did what nobody in the midst of a vodka-induced, bleary state of half-consciousness should have done: he drove. Without a driver designated, Hazelwood piloted his vehicle—which, for the record, was the Exxon Valdez supertanker—onto a reef in the Prince William Sound. Eleven million gallons of crude oil later, Hazelwood came to with (presumably) a vicious hangover and the world's most expensive DUI ever.

With the plethora of attorney fees, court fees, fines, re-education costs, and insurance increases, an average DUI costs about $10,000. Hazelwood's grand total was about $1 billion. And at $1 billion, he got away with one—the plaintiffs had received settlements as high as $5 billion in lower courts. Lucky for him, Exxon-Mobil picked up all but $50,000 of the tab.

Don't make the same mistake Hazelwood did. If you get a DUI, it probably won't kill hundreds of thousands of fish and wildlife and ruin 1,300 miles of pristine Alaskan shoreline, but there is always the potential for disaster when individuals drive under the influence. If you drink, designate a driver, sleep it off, call a cab, take the bus, or walk—especially the next time you're hammered in the bridge of a supertanker.

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